I should have been ecstatic after falling pregnant – instead I wanted to take a knife to my bump and get hit by a car
WHEN Juliet Owen-Nuttall fell pregnant aged 44 after years of trying for a baby, she should have been ecstatic.
Instead, she felt suicidal - and even imagined harming her own daughter, admitting she didn't want to be a mum and "could only see one way out".
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“I wanted to end it all, for me and my baby,” recalls Juliet, now 50, from Shaftesbury, Dorset.
“It started off with me not wanting to live as I didn’t think I could cope with the pressure of being a mum.
“And as my pregnancy was high-risk, I worried something bad would happen to my baby.
“But soon I imagined harming her myself. I even thought about taking a knife to my bump.
“The thoughts were so vivid in my head. I thought that if I got rid of the baby, then I would be OK.”
Juliet was suffering from prenatal, or antenatal, depression - a mental health condition that can occur during pregnancy.
Chartered psychologist Dr Louise Goddard-Crawley says: “A lot of people know about postnatal depression, or what we refer to as ‘the baby blues’, but fewer realise these feelings can begin before the baby even arrives.
“It’s more than just the occasional wobble or worry. It can involve persistent sadness, anxiety, irritability, feeling numb and even scary or intrusive thoughts about harming oneself or the baby.
“These thoughts can feel incredibly frightening and isolating, and it’s more common than many people think.”
Depression during pregnancy is thought to affect around one in eight women in the UK, but some studies suggest the true number may be higher.
“Because of the stigma or the pressure to feel joyful during pregnancy, many people don’t speak up, meaning far more suffer in silence,” Dr Goddard-Crawley says.
Juliet had always wanted a family, but in 2016, she suffered an infection in her womb and fallopian tubes and was told it was unlikely she’d ever fall pregnant.
She was warned if she did, it could be dangerous.
She also had a history of eating disorders and her periods stopped for 10 years in her 20s, so she knew it was doubtful.
Even when she met husband Daniel, 35, she put off trying, saying she was worried about her career.
But against the odds, in 2019, Juliet found out she was expecting.
“My period was late but as I’d had issues, I didn’t think much of it,” she says.
“Then I woke up in the night and threw up. I knew it wasn’t a tummy bug or food poisoning and realised I must be pregnant.
“I should have been over the moon but that’s not how I felt. I was in denial.
“I’d written off motherhood. I didn’t think it would ever happen, so when I found out, it was a shock.”
I didn’t want to be a mother and I didn’t want a baby. I could only see one way out
Juliet Owen-Nuttall
Juliet saw her GP, who immediately contacted gynecological specialists due to her medical history.
She suffered a bleed and thought she might have miscarried.
“I’ll never forget that appointment,” she says.
“They were almost shouting down the phone to the doctor that I should never have gotten pregnant and that I shouldn’t have been trying. They said I was too old at 44.
“From the very start, there was a lot of stress around the pregnancy which didn’t help.
“I had this feeling of dread about motherhood. I felt very conflicted.
“I was beating myself up inside as I knew I shouldn’t feel this way; I should have been ecstatic.
“I didn’t want to be a mother and I didn’t want a baby. I could only see one way out.”
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Juliet began having suicidal thoughts and when she was five months pregnant, she attempted to take her own life.
“I just didn’t want to be alive anymore,” she says.
“I didn’t succeed but I guess it made me realise that something was not right.
“I spoke to my husband and told him how I was feeling, that I didn’t want to be here any more and that I didn’t want the baby.
“It all came out and I said I thought he’d be better off without me. I kept thinking of ways I could end my life.”
Juliet sought medical help and was quickly put under care of the local perinatal mental health team.
As it was during Covid, there were no hospital appointments but the midwife would meet her for a walk and a chat.
Juliet admitted feeling ashamed and wanting to end it all.
Talking therapy uncovered issues from her childhood and looking back, Juliet realised she had never had a very good bond with her own mother.
While she wasn’t put on suicide watch, husband Daniel, now 42, rarely left her side.
He and her medical team would often ask if she was having negative thoughts and whether she was planning a suicide.
“At my 20-week scan, I was told my baby was really small,” Juliet says.
“I was always told, ‘It’s because of your age’. Doctors were constantly monitoring me and I felt like there was a lot of pressure. They said the risks were very high.
“I worried about what would happen when the baby was born and whether I might reject her.
“But the perinatal team put plans in place so if I didn’t want to hold her, Daniel would take her and do the skin to skin. I had no idea how I’d react.”
WHETHER it’s a loving chat, a bottle of fizz or a shoulder to cry on, it’s comforting to know your friends are there for you through life’s ups and downs.
It can feel like there are no topics off limits, but even the closest of mates can find it tough to talk about their mental health.
The chances are, if you’re not struggling, someone close to you is.
According to NHS England, one in four adults experience at least one diagnosable mental health problem in any given year.
While there are some risk factors for mental health conditions, no one is immune to the pressures of life, especially during a cost of living crisis, and we all have bad days – or weeks.
“It’s important to make sure people don’t fall under the radar and that we provide a safe space for them to open up about any struggles they may be experiencing,” says Susan Cummins, mental health practitioner at Islington GP Federation, and part of a general practice team who can support patients in addition to GPs.
Know the signs to look for
You may feel like you know a person inside out, but it can still be difficult to know whether they are struggling.
“There is no set way people with depression, anxiety or other mental health conditions act,” says Dr David McLaughlan, consultant psychiatrist at the Priory Hospital Group and co-founder of Curb Health.
“Everyone manifests mental health difficulties in their own way. Often they mask their symptoms, doing their best to protect others or hide the challenges they’re facing.
“The key is changes in their behaviour. Be observant and pay attention to any differences in someone’s normal baseline. Are they acting differently from usual?”
Some signs a friend might be struggling include being quieter than usual, less active on group chats, a change in appearance, being more negative, eating less, and experiencing sleep difficulties.
Broach the subject carefully
If you suspect someone is having mental health problems, raise it with them, but don’t have expectations about how they will respond.
“Everyone experiences mental health differently, so how you bring up your concerns will be different from person to person,” says Simon Blake, chief executive of Mental Health First Aid England.
“Just make sure your friend feels comfortable and not confronted or attacked. They need to know you are on their side and want to help.”
He suggests broaching the subject face-to-face if you can, or if you’re talking to them over the phone, encourage them to have their camera on, if they’re comfortable.
When speaking in person, reduce distractions by putting your phone on silent and turning off notifications, and be sure to set aside plenty of time, so neither of you feel rushed.
Use changes in your friend’s behaviour to start a conversation. For example, say: “I’ve noticed you’ve stopped coming out with us and replying on the WhatsApp group. It made me wonder if you are OK?”
Focus on your friend
Regardless of who started the conversation, it is crucial to give the person your undivided attention.
“Listen without interrupting and pay attention to their words, how they talk and their body language,” advises Simon.
“These will give you clues as to how they’re feeling. It’s important not to criticise or use phrases that minimise their experiences, such as: ‘Pull yourself together.’
Don't shy away from the subject of suicide
A third of people incorrectly believe that asking about suicide can put the idea into someone’s head, according to Mental Health First Aid. But, in fact, it could save their life, says Simon.
“If you are worried that someone is having suicidal thoughts, you should ask important questions, like: ‘Are you having suicidal thoughts and do you have a plan to end your life?’” he says.
It may feel uncomfortable – after all, it’s so rarely spoken about. “I have heard time and again that people fear being too direct or saying the wrong thing,” says Simon.
“But the opposite is true. With the right support, we can all be brave enough to ask the question that could save a life.”
You can read more about how to be there for a friend here.
At 39 weeks, Juliet was induced. But after two days of trying, she was told her baby was in distress and she was taken to theatre for an emergency C-section.
Her daughter was born healthy and well, weighing 5lbs 3oz.
“Immediately, I went all gushy and asked them to give her to me,” Juliet says.
“I had skin on skin and that was it, I’ve barely let go of her since. I fell in love with her instantly.”
Juliet had never heard of prenatal, or antenatal, depression before experiencing it herself.
“I’d only ever heard of postnatal depression; I didn’t know you could get it before the baby is even born,” she says.
The symptoms are largely the same, including:
- Feeling sad, low in mood, or tearful a lot of the time
- Irritability or getting angry easily
- Losing interest in other people and the world around you
- Not wanting to eat or eating more than usual
- Negative thoughts, such as worrying you will not be able to look after your baby
- Feeling guilty, hopeless, or blaming yourself for your problems
- Concentration issues or problems with decision making
Contact a GP or call 111 immediately if you, a friend or relative starts hallucinating or has delusions.
Dr Goddard-Crawley says women are under pressure to feel nothing but joy during pregnancy, but that’s not always the case.
“Women are still held to these deeply ingrained cultural scripts around pregnancy and motherhood,” she says.
“There’s this unspoken rule that we should be glowing, grateful, and blissfully excited at every stage.
“And if we’re not - if we feel anxious, low, resentful, or even ambivalent - it’s as though we’re failing not just as mothers, but as women.
“But the truth is, pregnancy is complex. It can bring hope and fear, love and loss, excitement and uncertainty, and sometimes all in the same breath.
“Feeling low, anxious or even disconnected doesn’t make you any less of a mother. It makes you human.”
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Self-help techniques, such as calming breathing exercises, eating a healthy diet, attending antenatal classes and speaking to friends and family about your feelings can help.
But antidepressants and psychological therapies may also be recommended.
“Talking about it is not only allowed, it’s necessary,” Dr Goddard-Crawley says.
“There is help, there is so much hope, and you’re never alone in how you feel.
“There are also brilliant charities like PANDAS and MIND offering support. You don’t have to go through this alone.”
She adds: “Sometimes it goes away after the baby is born, but not always.
“For some, symptoms ease after birth. For others, depression continues or changes into postnatal depression.
“That’s why it’s so important to keep talking, to keep checking in with how you’re feeling, and to stay connected to support, even after the baby arrives.”
I felt so much guilt and shame but it’s really important to get help if you need it
Juliet Owen-Nuttall
Mum-of-one Juliet continued to suffer dark thoughts post-birth and experienced postnatal depression.
But with support, her mental health has gradually improved.
“Sometimes I imagined getting run over by a car,” she says.
“It was always there but the mental health team helped me manage it.
“They’d often ask if it was just thoughts or if I was planning something.
“They encouraged me to have skin on skin contact with my daughter and to keep my baby close to me and I found this really healing.
“Although mentally I was still struggling, I loved having her close to me.”
Juliet (@thenoninvasivemethod) adds: “My daughter is nearly five now and she’s an adorable, incredibly loving, little girl.
“I’ve done a lot of work on myself mentally and have put a lot of demons to rest.
“I did a dialectic behavioural therapy course for new mums which helped me understand my emotions and move on.”
The mum, who now works as a fertility wellbeing practitioner, is speaking out now to encourage others to get help.
“There is a lot of stigma around suicide, especially if you are a mum,” she says.
“I felt so much guilt and shame but it’s really important to get help if you need it.
“If you are feeling this way, find someone you can open up to and get professional help.
“You are not alone - and if you get help, you will feel better.”
- You can call NHS 111 at any time. Lines are open 24 hours a day.
- The Samaritans (116 123) is also available 24/7.
- Contact Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM) on 0800 58 58 58 from 5pm to midnight every day.
- The Papyrus hopeline (0800 068 4141), aimed at preventing young suicide, is open 24/7.
- Childline, for those under the age of 19, is open online or on the phone (0800 1111) at all times.
- You can call SOS Silence of Suicide (0808 115 1505) from 8pm to midnight Monday to Friday, and 4pm to midnight on weekends).
- If you don’t want to speak to someone on the phone, you can text “SHOUT” to 85258 for support over text.
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