Psychology: If you have these problems, you were secretly lonely as a child

The experiences we have during childhood can profoundly shape our personality, our self-image, and the attitude to life that accompanies us as adults. It's not just the relationship we have with our parents that plays a role. Friendships and relationships with siblings are also very important. Even the most loving, healthy mother-child relationship cannot replace the experience of being accepted and valued by peers or other children. And a good school friend won't help a child understand why their sister doesn't want anything to do with their sibling.

In this respect, it's entirely possible that we grow up in a loving, healthy home and still feel isolated, for example, from siblings or classmates. According to Psychology Today, the following are typical problems of people who, for whatever reason, frequently felt lonely during their childhood.

Anyone who has these problems was secretly lonely as a child 1. You are suspicious when someone wants to spend time with you.

Anyone who was often lonely as a child and was unable to maintain relationships that taught them to feel wanted and accepted can have lifelong problems learning or accepting this feeling. In later relationships, those affected are usually irritated and unsettled when they experience someone making an effort for them and signaling that they enjoy being around them and want to spend time with them. At least initially, they suspect either a mistake on the part of the other person or a hidden, possibly malicious intent. As a result, people who were lonely as children often take a very long time to confide in someone and open up – if they ever do at all.

2. You cannot contradict other people.

Many people who never experienced unconditional support in their relationships as children become accustomed to always adapting and being as comfortable as possible for those around them. They rarely express a dissenting opinion and keep their needs to themselves unless they coincide with those of others. Saying no is usually extremely difficult for such people. They do what they consider necessary to avoid being excluded and becoming lonely again.

3. You always expect to be abandoned.

Those who grew up as lonely children can sometimes develop imposter syndrome in relationships as a result of this experience. Those affected by imposter syndrome are convinced that others overestimate their achievements and successes and live with the constant belief that they could be exposed at any moment. When imposter syndrome affects relationships, those affected believe that the people around them don't see their true selves, but rather have a distorted image of them. And that as soon as they realize their error, they will turn away from them and abandon them.

4. You often feel misunderstood.

To protect themselves and survive, some children who experience loneliness develop a clever strategy: They convince themselves that others don't understand or see them properly. And that they therefore exclude them. Sometimes this is actually true: Children with rare characteristics such as high intelligence, high sensitivity, or a gender identity that doesn't correspond to their outward physical characteristics can certainly feel lonely in an average classroom because no one understands them.

While this strategy isn't the worst way to deal with loneliness, it can result in a persistent feeling of being misunderstood—combined with the belief that this misunderstanding is an inevitable fate beyond one's control. Those affected give up trying to communicate with others or clear up misunderstandings, even though, in reality, there are many people who understand them, or at least want to.

sus Brigitte

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