The positive aspects of masculinity I discovered when transitioning as a trans man

For Ash Pérez, a 35-year-old producer, writer and content creator, diving into masculinity was like traveling to an unfamiliar country, with a different culture and language.

In 2020, after living openly as a queer and bisexual person since the age of 23, he began his physical transition to being a trans man.

Ash embraced his identity after losing his father during the COVID-19 pandemic. Although his father accepted his sexual and gender diversity, he says that letting go of being "daddy's girl" was difficult.

"That was one of the reasons I didn't transition sooner, I didn't want my dad to be disappointed. When he passed away, I saw the freedom to explore my gender," she explains.

However, with the death of his father, Ash lost the only male role model he had. And, in the midst of his transition, he realized that he needed support to enter a reality he was unfamiliar with.

"I couldn't believe how little I knew about masculinity and men in general. I felt like an alien learning another language," he said in an interview with BBC News Mundo — the BBC's Spanish-language service.

Ash was facing one of the common social challenges facing trans people, which vary by individual context and in some cases intertwine with physical challenges associated with hormone therapy.

Although the procedure is safe, according to medical institutions such as the Mayo Clinic, hormone therapy involves risks, such as the possibility of causing some diseases.

In the midst of this process, Ash decided to resort to tools that have always helped him through difficulties: laughter and writing.

After talking to a former BuzzFeed colleague, he created a series of humorous videos in which he went through everyday situations with other men.

In the production, which he called New Guy Tries , and which had two seasons broadcast on the streaming platform 2nd Try , he does things like visiting a barbershop for the first time or playing poker with a group of friends.

In the program, he says that he discovered that many of the preconceived ideas he had about masculinity were not entirely true and that, in fact, these socially acquired beliefs can cause profound harm to men, as experts have already warned.

But the revelation he considers most important is that he found positive facets in masculinity, after feeling distrust and fear towards it for years because he was told it was "toxic" and "harmful".

Learn to play

One of the positive aspects he discovered while recording the program was the role of play and sport.

According to him, some men use these activities to share their emotions, concerns or difficult moments with each other, even if this is not the main objective of the meeting.

"In the second episode, when we went to play poker, the conversation ended up getting really deep. We ended up talking about the fears that fatherhood brings, how unprotected men felt at that stage and the concern they had about being a support for their partners," he says.

"Sometimes you might be watching a football game with your uncle, a friend, and in the middle of a commercial you say something like, 'You know, I lost my job. ' That's different from how I've learned to relate to others."

He adds that in the 31 years he has been "socializing as a woman," his meetings with female friends have often been focused solely on conversation.

"We always had a lot to process."

And he believes that certain men "have an incredible ability to play, to play and to have fun, something that we are losing."

Ash says that after his transition, he started exercising like never before.

Before, I went to the gym with the idea of ​​losing body mass and I was afraid of gaining volume, because, according to the beauty standards I was taught, it was something associated with masculinity.

"I think many women can benefit from strength training, which several studies indicate is beneficial for health."

And he adds: "For men, they teach how to increase the body, while for women, they teach how to decrease it."

He also says that he learned to be adventurous.

In the series, he is encouraged to do some crazy things, like taking part in a competition in which they drag trucks with cars.

"Being adventurous is something I learned as a man, because growing up, I was told that women are fragile. And in some ways, because of that kind of belief, it's not possible to identify all the benefits that are usually associated with masculinity," he points out.

"In the world we live in, women sometimes don't get to enjoy these benefits. But perhaps on an individual level, there is something they can incorporate as larger changes happen."

Talking about gender

As a "Trojan horse who helped his friends reflect on their gender," Ash said of how he felt about producing New Guy Tries.

The programs featured men who, over the years, shared various phases of their lives together. And it was in the discussions they had during the series that they learned intimate details about each other.

"In the recordings, they told me that they were unaware of such basic things as the fact that their friends had siblings. Also how they thought about certain topics, such as fatherhood or their fears," he says.

According to him, the reason behind this is that there are not many spaces to talk about masculinity and that many men are taught, since childhood, to hide their emotions.

Ash, who is now an influencer on social media, reinforces what experts and scientific research say, which shows that in some countries such as the United States and the United Kingdom, men tend to suffer more from loneliness.

This constant disconnection is associated with a "higher risk of depression and anxiety," according to the Office of the U.S. Surgeon General.

Ash opines that while the patriarchal system benefits men, they can also be harmed by the stereotypes and rules that this system perpetuates.

Faced with loneliness, some people turn to platforms with online chat forums, which often become hotbeds of radical ideas.

"Men are so much more than what we see at first glance. If we don't start opening up dialogue and involving them in discussions about gender, we are only isolating them."

Despite some governments around the world pushing an adverse narrative against trans people — as is the case in the United States with Donald Trump's government, which argues that gender should be defined according to a person's sex at birth —, Ash believes that this community seeks to keep the dialogue about the diverse human beings that we are open.

"What we're looking for is to expand the boundaries of the genre," he says.

And he guarantees: "We do this because there is much more freedom when you cross to the other side."